Finding a God Full of Love

By Rachel, A Chinese Sister in America

When my husband, David, and I arrived in the United States, the first few weeks were tough for me. David was busy with his work as a post-doctoral scholar, but I had left behind my career in China. I had no friends here, and I was inexperienced with conversational English.

David wanted me to make friends, so he took me to a Chinese church. I also met an American couple, Marie and Lou, and their co-worker, Luke, with China Outreach Ministries.

My Faith Journey to Jesus

At first, I felt uncomfortable with church. I didn’t want to feel controlled. I was cautious, and I asked challenging questions. I found that people were open to my questions, though. I could freely discuss my thoughts and be myself.

As I started to feel relaxed and safe, I began to make friends. I felt loved, and soon I realized I was not lonely anymore. Worship time was special for me also, and I felt peaceful affection in my heart.

During this time, I wanted to believe God, but I still struggled to believe. I felt strong emotions as I met with these caring people, however. I wanted to belong and to live in hope as they did.

I also started to join Marie, Lou, and Luke for weekly meetings. I saw again that Christians were full of love. Most impressive were their beautiful smiles. I wanted to be with these kind of people, and I wanted to be a person who could smile beautifully, too.

Then one day at Marie’s house, my heart finally opened. I believed! I could pray from my heart, and God became real to me at that moment. It was like opening the door to a new world.

I wanted to know more about God, so I started reading the Bible myself. To understand the big picture, I started with Genesis, listening to audio recordings. In about three months, I listened to the whole Bible. As I trusted Jesus, my views—and the pursuit of my life—started to change.

The Highs and Lows

Those early days of being a believer were an amazing high point in my life.

At one of our weekly meetings, Luke asked, “Is there anything you need God’s help with that you can’t achieve by yourself?” I realized yes, I did. I wanted to have a baby, but after six years of marriage, I was still waiting. As the group prayed, by a special power I had never known, I drew closer to God. It was like having a heavy burden released. I couldn’t help crying.

Then came the good news that I was going to have a baby. I was excited and full of hope. I still felt a little worried about the pregnancy, but Scripture eased the fears of my heart. At nine weeks in my pregnancy, however, there was no heartbeat. I knew that children are God’s gift. How could this be? After miscarrying, I grieved my loss by staying home alone. I cried and didn’t read the Bible.

David encouraged me to go back to church, and eventually I agreed. There were the same smiling people there, but my smile felt fake.

I wanted to return to the high point of when I had first believed. I felt I was falling apart. I tried to read the Bible, but a voice was telling me this was not real. I asked God, “Did you give up on me?” I had believed God had chosen me. But now I doubted, which left me feeling guilty for having little faith.

Returning to a Loving God

Then I heard a sermon about Peter denying Jesus. But Jesus didn’t give up on him, I realized. My guilt was lifted, and I began to rediscover God’s love. The wall I had built was broken. I was free and could believe anew.

Gradually, I started to grow in my faith again. It took me a long time to realize that not having a baby must be God’s plan, at least for now. Though I was still sad about the miscarriage, I felt peace—like a soft hand on me.

Now, God is still at work in my life as I follow Jesus. I recognize when I fail to forgive or when I am selfish, and I confess my sin. I also rejoice to share that David and I were recently baptized! We trust God to guide us, and more and more, I see that he is full of love.

Please pray for Rachel and David as they continue to grow in faith, and for God’s guidance in their careers and the possibilities for their future. Public professions of faith could bring negative consequences professionally, so please pray they will be wise in sharing their faith and that God would remove barriers.